October is the month we all wear pink and raise awareness for breast cancer. Breast Cancer is an especially difficult ordeal for women because it can affect so many aspects of our lives, and the scars…physical and mental, are often permanent. But it’s not always us that goes through it…sometimes it’s our friend, or family member or spouse. The worst thing we can do is to pretend it’s not happening and go on with life as usual.

But what can you we actually do?

I had intended to write about taking care of YOURSELF during cancer treatment, but as I began to research the topic, I realized that there are many sources of information on that and, at the same time, realized that I, blessedly, have absolutely zero personal experience on the subject. So, I’ll leave that to others. I can speak to being cared for in other circumstances, and caring for others. I’ve linked an article below that deals with that topic.

Let’s talk about what YOU can do for others.

I share these things knowing good and well that I’m not always the best at actually making them happen in my own circles, so I don’t want you to beat yourself up over any of this. Do the best you can, and step your game up AS MANY NOTCHES AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! Get out of your comfort zone. It’s not about your comfort…but again, if you can’t you can’t…do you understand what I’m saying? Do what you can…and don’t let awkwardness or YOUR discomfort stop you. Period.

Don’t make it weird.

Don’t Stop Calling. Or texting. Or emailing. Or writing letters. Or whatever form of communication you’ve always had. But what if this was a work friend and you really don’t have their contact or personal information? We’ll address that in a bit.

Don’t Wonder in Silence. If you have questions, ask them. Within reason. (See below.) You understanding the circumstance can help you serve your friend, and help your friend feel understood and, possibly, less alone. Again, I’ve not been there…so, I could be wrong here.

Don’t Pry into Personal Matters. But, if you’re really and truly THAT FRIEND that knows everything…like everything…you can ask the awkward questions. Otherwise, it’s basically none of your business.

What to do?

Well, basically the opposite of the above. But, seriously – there are so many things. And each individual circumstance will be different, and your personal relationship with the person you are caring for will play into what you do.

Let’s first talk about that work friend, or colleague. The one you care deeply for…but don’t really have a relationship outside of work, or contact information. Write a card, put their name on it and stamp it. Take it HR or someone who can address it and mail it for you. Let them know that you care. If someone else in your work place, or work circle as the times may be, has more details or contact, let them know what you are available to help with, whether it is monetary, physical, or simply verbal support.

Pray. Pray for your friend, yourself, the family, the doctors, nurses, technicians, lab staff…all of them. That they get the rest they need. That they are alert and see the things they need to see. That all are kept safe. That the right people are in place to love and support and heal your friend. God doesn’t always say ‘yes’ in the way we want Him to, but he always hears our prayers and they do matter.

Stop by for a visit…even it’s on a whim…BUT, you’ll need to check first. Energy levels can change by the hour, and even by the minute. If you can, plan ahead and schedule a visit…but don’t be disappointed if that is cancelled at the last minute.

Here’s the thing I want most to get across: Offering vague assistance isn’t really that helpful. And, yes, I’m guilty of it, too. And though we all generally actually MEAN IT…how often do we take any one up on “Let me know if there’s anything I can do”? Not often, right?

Now, stop for a moment. Think about your friend. Think about their life. Think about their normal day to day tasks. Think about the roles they fill that someone else may need to fill. Think about the things that matter to them, that they enjoy, that fill them up. Think about some things that might now be a part of their lives that weren’t before.

Stop. Think some more. It’s quite a long list, isn’t it?

Yea. It is. Now, go call your friend.

Ok, for EVERYONE…let’s get this out of the way, because it needs to be said: We’re in a Pandemic. And if you don’t know that anyone goiong through cancer treatment will have a compromised immune system…well. You should know that. Wear a mask. Ok? However you feel about masks. However you feel about Covid. However you feel about all of the things that go with that. Just put the mask on. And leave it on. Don’t ask your friend if they want you to wear it. Don’t put them in that position. Unless they specifically say “take your mask off”, you leave it on. Ok? Thanks.

Offer practical, real to THEM support.

A few things that come to mind that you might say:

“I’d be happy to pick the kids up from school for you.” (If you do this, communicate if you will just let them out at the door, or see them in and help get them settled – this need may change over time)

“I’d love to bring dinner by for your family this week. What day is particulary busy/draining for you all?” Of course, you’ll go through any dietary requirements.

Let’s say you live, literally, next door: “Can I bring the mail to the door, or help you with packages?”

“I’d love to come by and do a load of laundry for you. Is Tuesday morning convenient?”

“I have a clear schedule next week. Are there any appointments I can drive or accompany you too?”

“Is there anything I can pick up for you on the way home this evening?”

“I just finished a really great book and I’d love to drop it off to you after work today.”

“I’ll be going to the grocery store tomorrow and would be so happy to shop for you, or if you’re up for it, take you with me.”

If there are other adults in the house (grown children, a spouse or partner, a caregiver, or other relative…), you might also consider opening up communication with them if you haven’t already done so. They may need some support and respite, as well. They can also communicate needs that your friend may not.

Y’all, I could literally go on for HOURS…the thing about Cancer, it’s a beast. It’s hard. It’s scary. It’s just. Awful. But, what we need to ensure is that our people are not fighting alone. That we are there for them. For some, it’s regularly scheduled scans to ensure that everything is ok. For others, it’s brutal and aggressive treatments. There will be good days and bad, both mentally and physically.

Also, it’s ok to be sad and grieve with or for your friend and their health. It’s not going to be easy for you, either. But, do I really have to say it? It’s so much harder for them. We know this. And yet, I think, in the moment, sometimes we forget this. Let’s be that person that they can depend on for love and support. Real support.

Let’s talk about those friends that aren’t geographically close by…what we can do there?

With so many ways to order food and groceries, you can still send a meal. Just be sure to coordinate ahead of time. If there are children in the house, it may be a nice treat for them to get their favorite fast food meal delivered.

Send a card, or a letter. Or a journal. Something my son used to do with his father: we had a spiral notebook and one would write a letter and mail it, and the other would use the same notebook to write back. At the time, they were 500 miles apart. And, yes, they could talk on the phone, but this was so much more precious.

Send a gift. A bookmark, a charm, an empty journal, flowers, a funny t shirt, a new robe or slippers, windchimes, a lighthearted book, a magazine subscription (remember those? Thumbing through PAPER magazines?), a pretty dress to wear, a hat, earrings, a scarf. Think about your friend and how she (or he) likes to be pampered. See what they might need or, just want. There are endless possibilities here. Just let them know you are thinking of them.

Make the phone call. Send the text. FaceTime. Skype. CONNECT with your friend. No matter how long it’s been.

That’s all I have at the moment. Friend, what I want the least is for you to be distant or disappear on your friend. I know that you care for them, and I can assure you, any kindness or support that you can provide will bless them immensely. And, you, in turn, will also be blessed.

Did I miss anything? Did I get anything wrong? Please let me know your thoughts on this topic! And, as promised, here’s a link an article on Self Care for those fighting cancer. I save this for last because, now that you know the things YOU can do, I want you to learn and read the things that your friend can do…and NEEDS to do. Not so that you can nag them…but so that YOU can understand and respect their requests and wishes. Yes, this is a little bit dated. But, I like this post for it’s simple thoroughness.

https://www.pennmedicine.org/cancer/about/focus-on-cancer/2018/october/self-care-during-cancer

Dear reader, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. May you be blessed, and safe.